“A day without a friend is like a pot without a single drop of honey left inside” – Winnie the Pooh
This little quote is powerful because it gives real insight into what it’s like when we feel ‘alone’ … being alone in our own darkness, our deep and empty inner self.
‘Alone-ness’ is more than ‘Loneliness’. It is a state of being that feels beyond us, beyond our reach.
The people in our lives that value and care about us, may not even be in our vision, because in our grief and/or pain, we have hidden them away from our own view. We lose perspective of whom or what can help.
This is the level to which our ‘alone-ness’ can take us.
Reasons that led us to this point can be ‘known’ or ‘unknown, recent or long past, but over time, this alone-ness can begin to chip away and impair us mentally, emotionally, physically, behaviourally, socially, as well as spiritually.
Unless addressed, we can withdraw and slip further into a state of ‘unattended loss’.
The terms ‘unattended loss’ and ‘alone – ness’ are not new. Enter them into Google Search or your favourite search engine, and they will appear.
Alone – ness is the state of how we feel at these times and unattended loss is the causative result from our lack of attention to the degree this has impacted us.
Closely linked with grief, the loss of a loved is an obvious and primary one that can lead us into this state of alone-ness. It is lifechanging and renders us powerless to change that circumstance.
Life events , both present and from our past, can also perpetuate this sense of ‘aloneness’ and some, but not limited to, might include…
grief of a deteriorating mind; diagnosis of chronic or terminal illness or disease; a relationship on the brink; a failed business; a job loss; an accident; financial struggle and loss of status; anorexia, bulimia, body dysmorphia; being a victim of domestic violence; bullying; drug or alcohol or gambling dependence; homelessness; losing a home, property, possessions, stock and crops, in natural disasters like floods or bushfires.
OR… this feeling may have seemingly no apparent connection or reason for being there. It just is, still ravaging through us creating this ‘unfillable’ hole which is all consuming.
So, what can we do to find a way out?
Often, the ‘aloneness’ is all we have that we know AND its where we need to start so that we can begin to attend to our unattended loss.
In a way it has been our shelter and maybe we just need to acknowledge and respect this in deference to ignoring or fighting against it.
Our own respect for ourselves is essential… Our own respect helps us to begin and to understand how serious this has become. Our own respect to trust enough to take those initial steps, venture out and to be in step with our own choices…to trust that we have the ability. To clarify with ourselves that the ‘sanctuary’ we thought we had was actually a ‘prison’.
We need to be our number one friend, the one we trust.
And, just like a road map, our own self-discovery begins to show us the directions to realise a new way to function, to begin to ‘feel’ and to ‘sense’ and to engage in life and living.
Bessel Van der Kolk, Psychiatrist and Author, informs us that instead of being locked into areas where it feels like there is no escape, that we need to help our bodies to be nourished and nurtured again, to explore, to be curious, and to be creative in that quest.
It’s important to be purposeful in what we do. Simplifying rather than filling in every second of each day. Creating energy to finish off tasks rather than to do too many… the latter just being a trap for avoidance and distraction rather than to address our needs; our growing awareness of what matters; to view and add to our strengths; to feel what its like NOT to be trapped in alone-ness where we slip from our own view into unattended loss.
When we do this, the steep sides of the empty honey pot become steps to climb on out in search of new sources of supply, new resources, new ways to shine a light on where we are going and what we need to nourish us, who we need around us, respecting ourselves and our choices and decisions as we go.
Pam Mitchell